A woman's self-esteem is very significant, as it affects the quality of her life. Raising self-esteem is not an easy task and one should not underestimate it.

In this article, we will analyse in detail the causes of low self-esteem and how this condition affects the choice of a life partner, as well as consider the most effective ways to help women acknowledge the importance of their personality and become more self-confident.

Reasons behind low self-esteem

If we look at the definition of self-esteem, in general, it is a person's perception of themselves, in other words, an assessment of their qualities and behaviour, an understanding of their role in this world.

Self-esteem is formed in childhood, and the process of its formation is different for women and men. The girls have a mirror character in their perceptions of themselves. This means that a woman's self-esteem is shaped by the attitude of the people around her. If a girl hears from her parents and close people that she is stupid, ugly, and misbehaving, if she hears unfavourable comparisons about herself, then all this is deposited in the girl's mind and forms an inferiority complex that results in diminishing her importance in her own eyes.

There are a few key parental mistakes that cause low self-esteem in a girl:

• lack of unconditional love;
• comparison with other children;
• criticism aimed at the child, her behaviour, qualities, and appearance;
• forcing her ideas on a girl about where she should study, with whom she should marry, etc.;
• the emotional coldness of one of the parents (lack of attachment, care, physical and emotional manifestations of love, for example, hugs, kisses, meeting the needs and desires of the child, support and faith in the child);
• the desire to see in the girl a continuation of the parents and the family dynasty, compensation for parents’ failures and unfulfilled desires.

Based on an example of parental action or inaction, the girl learns two behavioural strategies she implements in her life: I am bad and unworthy of love; you can't just love me – love has to be earned.

Such views greatly influence the future life of the girl. She finds it difficult to set goals and achieve them. She constantly doubts her abilities and whether she is worthy of wanting and getting something. She does not know and understand her needs because, from birth, her parents always knew what was best, suppressing her desires and destroying her dreams.

It is natural that, in her future life, a woman continues to seek confirmation of her meaning in society to raise her self-esteem. It all depends on the quality of the environment in which the woman is and which she forms around herself. Unfortunately, most often, she doesn’t see the admiration addressed to her, and it lowers her importance.

Signs of low self-esteem

To increase self-esteem, it is essential to make a diagnosis, i.e. to understand that the problems existing in your life and bad attitudes do not arise in the same way and are related, first of all, to your attitude towards yourself.

The following points, which I recommend answering honestly, will help understand your problems:

• Inability to decline.It's hard for you to say no or refuse someone something. You are burdened at work, you perform your own and someone else's tasks. You help relatives and friends to move, make repairs, lend them money, take care of their children, etc. You are tired, and you do not want to do it, but the feeling of guilt does not allow you to refuse.
• Criticism of your appearance or shyness.Something always frustrates you: nose, lips, breasts, weight, face, height. You are a regular client of a beautician and plastic surgeon (or dream about it and save money).
• Fear of expressing your opinion and wishes.In companies, you often sit on the sidelines and choose to just listen. You only speak in exceptional cases or when asked to. You feel awkward at meetings and conferences. Expected contacts cause tremors, excitement, or panic in public.

• Irresponsibility. That means, at work and in front of friends, you are always ready to help and are excessively responsible. As for your life, you show complete irresponsibility, allowing other people and situations to influence it and decide your fate. Worst of all, most of the time, you let it be destroyed. And you don't do anything to stop the process and take your life into your own hands.
• Sacrifice and self-punishment.You feel guilty about everything that happens in your life and the world. You think you deserve all the humiliations and insults you get. And, most importantly, you put up with them, and you've settled for them.
• Inability to accept compliments.You feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when you hear praise at work or compliments about your appearance. You don't believe and try to make excuses.
• Doubt. You doubt your appearance and success. You don't believe that you can achieve something in life that is worthy of attention and that you can be loved for being you. It's hard for you to make a decision in a cafe when ordering or in a store when choosing an outfit. You ask others to help you. And once you've made a purchase, you regret it or doubt its correctness and usefulness.

• Lack of personal opinion.It's easier for you if someone makes a decision and makes a choice for you. You give responsibility to other people because you think they know best. You think you don't know anything, you don't understand, and you're sure to make a mistake. You are passive at work and without initiative. You are afraid to express your opinion. At work, it's easier for you to let another person get behind you than to admit that this idea is yours. In a relationship, you are silent and closed. It's hard for you to be aware of your desires, and you don't talk about them.
• Painful attitude to criticism. When you hear criticisms about your work or appearance, it becomes even more painful because, through them, you get confirmation that you are not valid. At that moment, you want to burst into tears, to shrink and hide from everyone.
• Perfectionism and heightened demands on yourself.You buy an infinite number of books, participate in several coaching marathons, sign up for all kinds of courses, and get a second and third education. You set difficult, exhausting goals and high demands on yourself. You have a constant desire to make a difference and a perpetual desire to lose weight. You bring your actions to meticulous accuracy and your goals to the absurd.

What men are chosen by women with low self-esteem

Naturally, when a woman does not consider herself worthy of love and respect, she attracts men in her life who do not appreciate her. Unconsciously, she repeats the painful scenarios she learned as a child. After all, if the closest people say she is fat, stupid and has nothing to love about, what can she expect?

A woman expects similar behaviour from her man because she has not come to know a different attitude towards herself. She is in the position of a victim and attracts her corresponding characters – aggressors, abusers and manipulators. This is the category of controlling, powerful, cruel men who humiliate, insult, cheat, and even hit their women. And there is no way to raise any self-esteem! A tyrant does everything to ensure his victim is completely subordinate and confident that she has such a fate and that only she is guilty of everything. Naturally, a woman, being in such a state, does not dare to speak or, even more so, to leave her man.

How to build self-esteem and self-confidence

Now, let's take a look at the recommendations, the implementation of which will give you confidence and a sense of your value and meaning.

Don't save on yourself

As Remark wrote, “A woman who saves on herself arouses in a man the only desire – to save on her.” Go shopping, go to spa treatments, visit hairdresser and manicure specialist, put on new shoes and beautiful underwear.

Listen to your wishes

Before you do anything, ask yourself, “Do I want to do this?” “Am I doing it because I want to, not because I need to?”

Make your dreams come true

Sit down and make a list of things you wanted to do but weren't allowed by your parents, a man, and other people. Maybe when you were a kid, you wanted to learn ballroom dancing, but your dad took you to boxing. You always dreamed of long hair, and mom cut it off. Or maybe you still don't have pierced ears? Now is the time to remember everything and start realizing it.

Don't compare yourself to others

We are all unique. So, there is no point in comparing yourself to someone else. Each has its own story, experience and path. You can only compare yourself to yourself to see how much happier you are today than you were yesterday. And what needs to be done today so that the feeling of happiness intensifies tomorrow.

Don't criticize, but praise yourself

Everyone has the right to make mistakes, and you are no exception. Criticism has not yet helped anyone cope with problems and has not given confidence in themselves. But praise and support is a whole other thing!

Learn to decline

Nothing promotes self-esteem like respecting personal boundaries and being able to say no firmly.

Introduce an achievement diary

Set goals for yourself and keep track of the positive results. The number of steps taken, the time to get up or go to bed, the amount of water you drink, a new meal you cooked, an organized wardrobe, a Chinese course, or parachuting. By the way, raising your self-esteem can become an excellent goal and implementing each recommendation will add a new point to your achievement diary and bring you closer to what you want.

You are worthy of everything you have and more

Dear beautiful girls and women, love, appreciate, and take care of yourself! Take responsibility for your life! And be happy! That's why you came into this world!

Author: relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa