I got married young and didn’t understand much about relationships or marriage. At that time, I thought it was one of the mandatory achievements I had to accomplish—marrying. It seemed exciting—you change your surname, adopting your husband's. And of course, I was in love. But did I consider what the building blocks of a long-term relationship were? No. Did I understand anything about male psychology? Of course not.

What would I tell myself if, with my current knowledge and experience, I could go back to the moment before I was proposed to?

Don’t Rush. Observe. You Won’t Miss Anything.

When you’re young, inexperienced, and in love, it feels like this is the right person for you, simply because of how you feel. You want everything fast, fearing you might miss out or be late. It may seem like there’s no need to wait—"We love each other, so what’s the holdup?" However, over time, I’ve realized that feelings alone aren’t enough. Sometimes even love isn’t enough. Each of us has a different understanding of love. We are individuals, and not everyone is ready to compromise or find common ground for the sake of the relationship. But a successful marriage cannot survive without that.

There are success stories where couples get married very quickly—just a few months or six months after dating, or at least get engaged that fast. Getting engaged isn’t the problem—you can say "yes" even if the proposal comes quickly. But allow time for observation. This is crucial. It’s better to spend a year truly understanding who you’re in a relationship with than to face the complications of a divorce later. Only with time can we truly see who we’re with. You need to experience various life situations to see how your partner acts—under fear, anger, doubt, or sadness.

How Do You Feel in This Relationship? Can You Be Authentic?

Do you feel respected, appreciated, and accepted as you are in this relationship? If your partner tells you he expects you to change—dress differently, cook differently, not work at a job you love, or stop going to dances that are important to you just because other men are there and he feels jealous (even though it’s unjustified)—then he doesn’t truly love you. He loves himself in the relationship. He loves the idea of being in a relationship.

It’s essential that you don’t have to change yourself to fit the relationship, but that you can be your true self—with your desires, dreams, and hobbies.

Self-growth is another matter—we all change, and ideally, we grow into the best versions of ourselves. This is personal development, maturity, and experience.

Is the Relationship Respectful?

Sometimes, a man may bomb you with compliments and be sweet, yet speak disrespectfully about other women, including his mother or ex-girlfriends. This is a clear sign that, eventually, you too will be on that list of women he disrespects. The truth is, he doesn’t respect you either, because that’s his general attitude toward women.

Pay attention not only to how he talks to you and whether he respects your choices—your passions and work—but also to how your body feels in his presence and during your communication. The body often knows the answers faster than the mind. If you feel discomfort in your body, ask yourself—what is it trying to tell me?

Work on Yourself Instead of Searching for Problems in Your Partner

It’s easier to see flaws in someone else than to admit your own. To build a stable, deep, and long-term relationship where both of you grow, you each need to work on yourselves individually. We’ve all grown up in environments that shaped us, creating patterns of thought and beliefs, that may no longer serve us. By working on yourself, understanding your psychology, and discovering your true desires and views on the world, you’ll learn to love yourself. As cliché as it sounds, it’s true—when you learn to love yourself, you’ll also know how to love your spouse. You’ll develop empathy, but also learn how to set boundaries.

If you experience unpleasant behavior, don’t focus on what your partner is doing wrong. Instead, look within and ask—why am I in this situation? But don’t blame yourself! Reflect, heal, and grow. Likewise, don’t blame your partner for their actions, but clearly communicate that such behavior is unacceptable to you.

Express How You Feel

Don’t hide your feelings. Share them. Your partner cannot read your mind, nor should he be expected to. This is why communication exists in human relationships, and we must learn to engage in respectful and effective communication.

If you suppress negative feelings, they can turn into resentment over time. On the other hand, if you don’t express positive feelings—gratitude, compliments—both your partner and the relationship lose out on much-needed value.

Clarify Before Assuming

It’s easy to misinterpret what someone else is saying. Many disputes or resentments in relationships stem from misunderstandings. So, instead of assuming, ask! Most likely, there’s no real reason for concern.

Ask How He Feels

Men are sensitive beings, but from a young age, they are often taught not to express their feelings. As a result, men may seek validation outside the home—through spending time with friends at parties, for example. They often struggle to admit defeat or failure, especially when it comes to providing for their family or losing a job. If your partner starts acting strangely and you feel tempted to blame him, it’s better to ask how he really feels.

Love Him for Who He Is, Not an Illusion

As I mentioned earlier, getting to know each other and taking time to observe is essential. Equally important is asking yourself—have I fallen in love with him for the qualities he actually possesses, or have I created an illusion of who he is? You shouldn’t enter a relationship to save or change someone. Nor should you overlook things that are unacceptable to you.

Maintain Your Hobbies

When you start a relationship, it’s important not to forget everything that interested and inspired you before. Your partner is a part of your life, but he isn’t your whole life. The only person at the center of your life is you. Everyone else is a beautiful addition. It’s healthy for both of you to have your own interests and hobbies, and you don’t have to do everything together. You don’t need his approval or consent to pursue your dreams.

Author: Ieva Simanoviča