Love until the end of life in old age—this is what we all hope to experience with our partner. However, many couples find that over time, the feeling of love in their marriages is replaced by habit. They stay together because it's customary, convenient, or because they share responsibilities, such as managing a household or raising children. Divorce might seem like an unnecessary hassle. But where does love fade, and is it possible to get it back?

Why does Habit replace Love?

Love can be rekindled as long as respect remains in the relationship. Without respect, love cannot thrive. Habit takes over when we stop paying attention to our spouse, instead focusing on work, children, household tasks, or our partner’s shortcomings. Our partner becomes something we take for granted. We start noticing what we dislike while overlooking their beautiful, noble, and valuable qualities.

Love is a choice, and a relationship is a precious gift that not everyone is fortunate to have. Relationships need nurturing, appreciation, and time. When attention shifts to self-growth, two scenarios can unfold.

In the first, you might realize you are no longer on the right path with your partner, despite having spent many years together. This could be for various reasons: maybe you were too young and didn’t know yourselves when you met; perhaps one of you has grown and the other hasn’t; or maybe you’ve both evolved, but in different directions. You may have chosen your partner based on superficial reasons—like being attracted to their physical traits or the sound of their voice—ignoring deeper issues, such as a lack of initiative or character, furthermore, you thought that in time you would inspire him to do great deeds. The truth is, a relationship can only thrive if, when you begin, your partner is already suitable for you as they are. Any future growth is just a pleasant bonus. No matter how attractive a person’s appearance or words might be, their inner world defines their true value, and inner beauty has lasting worth. After 15 years together, it’s entirely normal to discover you're no longer on the same path. This doesn’t diminish the experiences you’ve shared. When you first met, you were right for each other. But that has changed.

In the second scenario, you might realize how both of you became complacent in your relationship, and now you’re ready to start caring for it again.

Love Can Be Recovered

Like a pebble that sets off an avalanche, one small change can reignite intimacy with your partner. If you want to restore love in your relationship, don’t focus on your partner’s faults—start with yourself! Self-awareness is the key to understanding and restoring love. You might think, "What more is there to discover about myself at 40?" But try it—the changes can be transformative!

As you become more self-aware, you may find that the happiness you once thought was missing from your relationship is not in someone else’s arms, but within yourself. The deeper problem often lies in living superficially, avoiding responsibility for your choices, or being ruled by emotions.

How to Reclaim Love Instead of Habit:

Start by loving yourself. We can only truly see others when we have taken the time to understand and appreciate ourselves. Loving yourself means deeply recognizing your own value. Start wherever feels most relevant—books, podcasts, therapy, retreats, or conversations with insightful people. Ask yourself: Do I love myself? If you truly love yourself, your relationship will never become a simple habit. When a relationship becomes habitual, it’s a sign someone is living passively, not actively making decisions or taking responsibility. You choose the nature of your relationship—you shape it!

Talk to your partner. Communication is crucial in any relationship. Misunderstandings, which often cause pain, arise when things are left unsaid and misinterpreted. Practice the art of listening, and instead of blaming, share how you feel and why. Honesty fosters empathy and understanding.

Make space for joy. While seriousness has its place, so do playfulness, joy, and fun. Celebrate life and your relationship! Show your love daily—smile at your partner and express your appreciation for their presence.

Plan romantic time together. A relationship cannot survive on responsibilities alone—romance is essential, even after 20, 30, or 40 years together. If you have children, remember that you can only give them what you have yourself, and you need to charge your positive emotions and to rest. Your children learn about love and relationships from you.

Respect and support each other. If criticism has crept into the relationship, it’s a bad sign. Relationships should build each other up, not tear each other down. Criticism, unless constructive and requested, is a form of disrespect. For a woman to love and desire a man, she needs to feel secure. Criticism undermines this, as it makes him an attacker rather than a protector. It is impossible to feel desire for a man who humiliates a woman. It is a completely natural protective reaction against the abuser, and there is no need to search for excuses for the perpetrator's behavior. There is no justification for disrespectful actions. He must take responsibility for his own behavior.

Just as men's disrespectful behavior destroys intimacy and relationships, so does women's. A woman can transform a marriage by showing respect for her man. He will feel loved, recognized, and appreciated, and will naturally be motivated to continue his efforts. Constant criticism and instructions on what to do and how to do it belittle and demoralize a man, providing no motivation at all. It only pushes him away, making emotional intimacy impossible in such a relationship. A man should be loved, not controlled.

Discover each other’s love language. If your relationship feels like a habit, it’s likely that you don’t know each other’s love languages. Learning how to express love in the way your partner values most—whether through compliments, quality time, gifts, or acts of service—can help restore intimacy.

Try new things together. Reignite passion by engaging in new activities together. Go on dates, try SUP boards, rock climbing, hiking, visit art museums, or take a trip without the kids. Experiencing new things together allows you to see your partner in a new light and fall in love again. Habit may have crept in because you’ve neglected to do anything fun outside of your responsibilities for too long.

Respect individual time. Individual moments allow each person to recharge and connect with themselves.

Author: Ieva Simanoviča