In relationships where we talk little about our feelings and don’t truly listen to the other person, we end up engaging not with our loved one but with an image we have fantasized—attributing both bad and good qualities that don’t belong to them. And you know what? This one sentence perfectly illustrates the difference between being in a conscious relationship and an unconscious one.

Driven by Emotions or in the Observer’s Position

We can look at life and relationships in different ways. This time, let’s explore how we perceive ourselves and others when driven by emotions versus when we consciously step into the observer’s position—gaining an outside perspective on ourselves, our surroundings, and the relationships we are building.

It’s similar to when a friend tells us about a situation in their life that they can’t see a way out of. Yet, from the outside, you can see the solution clearly. Why? Because they are emotionally attached, while you are not. When we separate ourselves from emotions, we can view situations with clarity. Emotions act like a veil, distorting reality. But once that veil is lifted, everything becomes clear, and the right choices become visible.

Sometimes, I hear objections: “But how can I give up emotions? I’m human! Why should I become emotionless?” This question stems from a misunderstanding of what it means to be an observer. You don’t have to suppress emotions to gain perspective. Emotions are crucial—they signal injustice, express care, highlight beauty, and release excess toxic energy that could otherwise harm our mental and physical health.

Emotions show us and others how we feel, and they must be experienced. However, by practicing the observer’s perspective, we develop the ability to distinguish between our emotions and our true selves. We learn to see emotions as separate phenomena rather than defining aspects of our identity. By allowing emotions to exist without letting them control us, we can respond rather than react. In relationships, emotions help us recognize what brings us joy and what doesn’t work for us.

Example:

Consider the emotion of resentment. Instead of becoming resentment itself, degrading our health, joy, and relationships, we can take action. We can ask, Why do I feel this way? If the answer is that our partner isn’t spending enough time with us, we can address it by having an honest conversation.

The key is to communicate without resentment or blame, focusing instead on how we feel and why. If our partner values the relationship and cares about our feelings, they will be receptive. But what if the conversation doesn’t go well? Possible reasons include:

• A lack of emotional maturity—they may not know how to engage in such discussions.
• Perceiving the conversation as an attack, leading them to shut down.
• Framing the discussion as blame or criticism, which can be counterproductive.
• A fundamental lack of care for the relationship’s well-being.

If the conversation is constructive—fantastic! You’re on the path to a deeper connection. If not, it may be time for self-reflection. Is this situation acceptable to you? Are you willing to settle, or do you want to take charge of your life? Sometimes, making painful decisions is necessary to stop being pushed by circumstances and start shaping your own destiny.

Living with Illusions Instead of a Real Partner

One major risk of being controlled by emotions and lacking self-awareness is creating illusions about our partner—both positive and negative.

When positive illusions are shattered, disappointment sets in—not because our partner changed, but because we never saw them as they truly were. On the flip side, negative illusions arise from misunderstandings and unspoken thoughts. Often, a short, honest conversation could dissolve the tension in moments. The lack of open communication distorts our perception, making our partner seem different from who they actually are.

READ MORE: Love your partner for who they are

Who Do You Believe In?

Unconscious relationships often lead to suffering, emotional distance, and merely coexisting like roommates rather than true partners. This happens when individuals don’t know themselves and don’t believe they have the power to shape their own lives. Many people don’t even realize they have the right to determine who they want to be and what kind of relationship they deserve.

Taking responsibility for our lives might sound intimidating, but it is the ultimate key to freedom. Nothing provides greater independence than owning our choices. When we embrace responsibility, we understand that we can build our lives in a way that resonates with us and brings us happiness.

We form relationships based on the quality of values we believe in. Of course, it’s not always easy. That’s why we have the power of choice—to say yes or no to situations and act accordingly. Change is difficult, but it is always worth it.

A New Era of Awareness and Conscious Relationships

We are living in a unique time. New energies are shifting the world, bringing more focus to self-awareness, emotions, personal growth, and conscious relationships.

In modern society, life is no longer just about survival, patience, and suppressing emotions. Instead, we are encouraged to explore depth, self-discovery, and true connection. The story of modern relationships is one of love, starting with self-love.

These new energies emphasize awareness, authenticity, compassion, strength, and integrity—not manipulation, toxic games, or emotional abuse. In conscious relationships, emotional abuse (criticism, blame, accusations) has no foundation. It cannot survive where awareness and open communication thrive.

Do You Want to Build Conscious Relationships?

If you’re ready to strengthen your relationships and bring them to a new level of consciousness, there’s an abundance of information available today. Books, podcasts, and social media offer valuable insights into mindfulness and conscious relationships.

Here are some Instagram accounts that provide inspiration and guidance:

• Lorin Krenn – Relationship coach focusing on femininity, masculinity, and conscious relationships:
  @lorinkrenn
• Alyssa Nobriga – Psychotherapist and coach specializing in self-growth and relationships:
  @alyssanobriga
• Justin Chandler Peters – Helping men embody true masculinity and build healthy relationships:
  @justnthemoment
• Sheleana Aiyana – Bestselling author speaking on mindfulness and conscious relationships:
  @sheleanaaiyana
• Grace Stuart – Helping individuals break free from toxic relationship cycles:
  @gracestuart26
• Brooke Carver – Supporting women in healing after toxic relationship and becoming their happiest selves:
  @loveherwildpodcast

By embracing self-awareness, emotional responsibility, and open communication, you can transform your relationships and create deep, meaningful connections based on authenticity and love.

Author: Ieva Simanoviča